I'm Okay
by Fujii-Kun
Summary: Never thought that those eyes could be so captivating. He never felt like that. He just look at his eyes, & the next thing he knew, he's drowned in those pools. He couldn't escaped, he don't want to. They don't even know each other. AU,ItaNaruNaruIta?


**I'M OKAY**

**By: Fujii-Kun**

**Disclaimers**: how should I put it?? Of course it's mine...who else?? --- Stabbed from behind with a kunai by Kishimoto-sensei--- Aaaarrrghhhh... Miiiinnnneeeeeeeeeee... ---- promptly die----

**Pairing**: Ita-Naru / Naru-Ita? Who knows???? --Snicker--

**Warnings**: Yaoi story... by all means, it's a boyXboy story. I don't really care for your likes/dislikes (why should I??? --Evil mode ON--), I'm still writing it the way I like.

**A//N**: Yo guys... meet again in another paper. I guess it's kinda angst. Not sad/ teary, but quite thoughtful story, with... I do hope a happy ending at least. Well, this is what happened when my dark mood attacks me in the middle of a song. I'm listening a song in my country, when the main line of the song is... a girl who wants to leave her boyfriend even when they do love each other. And along with few other mellow songs that makes me want to write this kind of story... And, before you're confused with the story's POV, I won't tell you who's POV it is until at the end of the story, hope you don't get too confused. And it's kinda OOC... sorry sorry... and it's AU...

**P/S**: ** READ THE WARNINGS & A/N FIRST**!!!!!!

**PPS**: Many **THANK YOU** for Imperial Mint-Chan, MY BETA!!!!.. --Glomp-- She's so nice, saying that I only made few mistakes. But when I compared the original & the beta-ed version, I feel like wanna cry. It's humiliating... So soooorrrryyyyy Mint-Chan... I'm so stupid. You must be troubled.. --deep bow--

But now now... it's the BETA-ed version. Please Enjoy!!!!

**I'm Okay**

**by: Fujii-Kun**

It all started on that night. The night when he was forced to attend a medium appointment party to celebrating something that he couldn't care less about. That wicked night that broke all of his... basically, everything. That night when he saw that person from his standing spot with his own companion, the person's standing in the crowd, along with his other friends and companions. All with his glory and magnificent beauty. At first, he saw him just like that. Under his own spotlight, politely answering every question he was asked. Denying every compliment. He did not think any else rather than 'he's just another famous guest'. That's until their eyes met.

Those eyes...

At the first time in his boring life, he was struck. He could only stare and drown in the depth of it, didn't know that a pair of eyes could do so much in just a glance. He knew it was just a mere few seconds. But, somehow, it felt like few minutes. The person did not say anything, or give any sign that he just looked at him. What's the problem about tearing his gaze? It's not like he has a magnet in his eyes.

Even after he tore their eyes away, he still can not breathe. It makes his palms sweaty.

He took a real deep breath, and diverting his gaze to other things, or rather, persons in the room. But his mind kept averted to him somehow. He couldn't concentrate. He tried to shove it to a mental box labelled 'feel this later when you really really have nothing else to do'.

But he couldn't.

He kept his face as if nothing mattered; no one needed to know about this, because he didn't know what they would think about it. He tried to talk to others, and tried to smile and act nothing's happened. It's quite hard. But, he succeeded at some point. It's not a big deal about keeping a secret off any way; he did it since he was a mere child. Everyone always makes him on the edge of shutting down his emotions. And yet, this man easily opened his mental box.

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Every night after his first meeting with the person spent with a nightmare. Not that scary, but the haunting presence of the eyes makes him feel the same. The eyes that followed him everywhere he went, even in his dreams. It's peeking in every hole he hid. And in some dreams, he see himself try to touch the person's cheeks, he saw himself reaching out hands to try grab his hands. He kept imagining his face, his eyes, and his presence. And at some of the times, he has awoken with his hand reaching out something intangible.

Many nights, he choose and trying not to sleep at all, drinking much coffee or playing the TV and / or MP3 player's sound as hard as it could, so that he don't have to sleep, and haunted like that, but, some part of him want to see him badly. Even if it's only in dreams.

Sometimes he just needed to close his eyes and see that face again.

He's really doomed...

Badly...

It cost him his job now. He seemed he cannot concentrate in anything he does. Whatever job in his hands got down and sunk lower in his mind. Everything seems blurred now. There's no point of thinking of the guy, but it just returning with full force, and before he could realize, it's already swimming again in his brain. Working in auto-pilot mode actually did not help at all.

Everyone kept asking what's wrong with him, but he couldn't answer it. He doesn't even know what's happened in the while. No matter how hard he built the answer in his mind, he couldn't let the answers slip past his lips, so he just gave them a small smile and answering, reassuring them about nothing.

And continuing his supposed-to-be his job, hoping that nobody would realise that he's typing absolutely nothing in his laptop.

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Yes, how much he wanted it as nothing at all. But it's impossible. It's as impossible as ever as he saw him again. Those eyes still amaze him to the point of... he couldn't explain it. It's at his university reunion, and it seems that that person is attending the same university with him. Just a different year. But nothing matters anymore right now as he stared to his back. He could only look. He stood there, again, surrounded by people. Talking and just... getting along. But, he doesn't seem to enjoy all those attention.

////Or maybe it's just me and my eyes...\\\\\

He wants to talk to him,

He wants to starting conversation with him,

He want to hear his voice, but

He could do nothing.

It's not like he's afraid or nervous. He's never afraid of anything, less even nervous. He never knows what the words ever mean to feel it in the first place. He just didn't know what to do. Well, that's nothing to be of concern; he's going to make a move this time for sure.

He knows he should.

He knows he could.

And he will do it now.

Those eyes...

He stopped mid-track in his walk, as somehow, the person, knew about what he'd thought before, decided to throw his gaze to the room and decided to stop at him.

He couldn't think now. It has nothing to do with courage or bravery.

Nothing at all.

It's just... blank. All thoughts are disappearing now.

All rational thoughts flew by with the winds.

But somehow, he could snap himself of the reality world again. He resumed his walk without any interruption, as if nothing has happened. He blinked his eyes few times, set his pace, his face, his composure, his everything into a nice great mask, and walked past that person shoulder to shoulder and past the door. After he pushed the door closed, he took a deep breath while still maintaining his facade. He entered one stall, locking it, and sat helplessly on the toilet-lid.

Putting his head on his slightly shaken hand, he wondered what magic the other guy had put on him. All he has to do is stare, and he's quickly loosing himself. They never talk, never acknowledged each other, or even... anything.

Damn...

All they ever do is look at each other, but the greatest part of the impact is on his side.

He really had to compose himself again. People want him to do that. He had to act as if nothing's happened, and as mentioned before, it should be easy... as long as he's not near that person.

Yes, that might work...

He hoped so...

But when he tried to remain cool, even in this doomed place he soon was going to destroy, he managed to -somehow- throw his consciousness-self and brain, also with his mind back onto the disaster again. He thought that as the party will end in another fifteen minutes, his misery will be stopped. Finished along with the party. And he'll be alone to face his nightmares again.

////At least it's just a nightmares... nothing new in those dreams...\\\\

Or that's what he thought blindly beyond caring.

Before he caught those amazing eyes again, as they walked to the exit, and that person decided to gave him a small sincere smile. Once again, he was struck down. Somehow, his brain is short-circuiting and stopped dead. That person still walked, dragged by his friends, and had vanished in just few seconds.

He still couldn't think properly, his mind is like walking in sticky goo. He's trying to make the rational part of him resurface again, but it doesn't share the same thoughts. He walked to his small car, rested his head on the roof, and tried to calm his shaky breath.

Right now, all he wanted to do is curse the damn person, and simultaneously grab him in his embrace. He wants to kill him so dead, he wants to beat the shit out of him, for making him this way he's not used to be, for making him loosing his self-composure as fast as a breath running down a nose.

He wants to shove that person in a concrete box now, as if it would help...

Right now, he just needed his sleep, but he knew, his sleep is betraying the sleeper. The only thing he could rely on when he wants to escaped his cruel and damned life, the only place where he could maintaining the little sanity he had left from the pressure around him... and woke up with more relief...

Now it's betraying him as well.

Maybe it's him who wants to see that person in the dream?

Maybe it's him who wants to touch that person in his dream?

After all, all dreams are is a fantasy made by our brains... if it's only a fantasy, then it should be fine, right?

Right?

From what he knows, logically and scientifically, dreams are... some thing that our brains make to satisfying oneself at some point. (1)

He just only hoped that he would stop having 'sceptical argument dreams' (2), in which always, all the time, he's dreaming of that person. It's going to be hard.

Sighing, he opened the door, and got ready to go home. He whispered his gratitude that tomorrow is Sunday. Day-off, finally... he started the engine, and blinked when he felt his eyes dry. He tuned ON the radio, finding his favourite band, and found out that the song coming out from the speaker is 'Accidentally In Love' from one band. He turned off the radio.

Damn, everything is trying to make his life as miserable as ever.

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He stands up in his shower room, letting the warm-hot water relieve his sore body. Let the water clean the sweat he's collecting from the day's event. He really hoped that the water also wash away those unwanted memory. Or should he say, his wanted but kinda in-denial memory.

He knew it's wrong to think about a person, a guy nonetheless, like this. This is not right. It's not what he's supposed to do. But as he looked down to the water puddle down there, he saw the reflection of that man. He knew it's only his imagination. But he couldn't help himself.

It's really painful when he think about the small smile that thrown to him earlier.

It's really painful when he couldn't touch him when even it's only 2 meters that separated them that time.

It hurt when he couldn't know what his voice's sounds like.

He bends his knees and holds himself down with his own hand on the warm floor. He felt pathetic.

Useless. But he could do nothing to change it right now.

How could this person affect him so much?

It's just one-two glances with a smile in between.

He's attracted with a guy who he did not know anything about at all. Not his name, not his personality, not his... anything

Maybe it's because he's the opposite personality of himself.

He's everything he could not ever be, even in another fifty years. He's the example of perfection in his mind. The sign of stability, which -he hoped- could bring small light to his empty world.

He's always walked alone in the rain. Never ever stopped. Never bothering to find shelters or umbrella, since he knew no one will give it willingly to him. And when he saw this person, when he saw those eyes, he felt like... he could survive.

Surviving what? He didn't know. He just knew that even his breath hitched, some part of his body, mind, and soul, started to awaken.

He started to felt his mind and soul breathing, ever so slightly. And slowly.

When he saw him again, he knew everything will be different. Nothing will be the same again.

He didn't know or decipher what to think.

All he knew now is he needed that person's presence. As a friend, as... anything... he couldn't care less about the status. He needed his presence to help himself maintain the small sane part in his head. He's slowly losing control over himself with this pressure.

He couldn't deny his presence's effect on him. He knew perhaps he'll want more than friendship, but, he really needs it. Maybe one day, he couldn't help himself to try to touch him more intimate...

He didn't care. He didn't want to care. After his mind-protecting-wall is so easily grounded, after that person so easily made him felt so alone in his life, and after he made his 'internal things' throbbing to life for the first time in his life, he don't want to care about what other's may think or their agreement.

He's obsessed. He knew it. He admitted it.

He'll chase the first thing he ever wanted right now.

He's not a big-hearted person to begin with. Why should he care about public's opinion in the first place if what they thought so little about him?

He braved himself to open the 'box' in his heart and saw his every little memory dust fly by and cover all places of his heart with those eyes and smile. He then threw his eyes and found himself in the middle of dreaming again, containing deep eyes, a smile and outreaching hands. He decided to take the little chance to find a shelter to stay under the rain, or even, more than that, he braved himself to hoping for small light to enlighten his path.

Maybe that's wrong... maybe that's right...

It's so wrong, but it felt right at the same time. He's losing himself.

He didn't know what's wrong or right anymore now.

He remembered many nights when he talked softly to that person's shadow, as if talked with the real person, and it made his eyes glazed.

He remembered many nights when he would sit at his bed in the dark, with only dim moonlight shining through his curtain, whispering something to his imaginary-things; it brought pain to his heart.

He never knew he had something called a heart before, but after this, he knows it, after he knew he had the thing in his existence, he could not decide if he wants to keep those feelings in it or throw it away. It's really like when you want to throw something, but at the last second, your fingers wont open up to release that thing. Your body somehow decided to go against your brain's command.

Taking a deep sigh, he settled himself on his bed. Watching the ceiling above, glaring with all his might, as if somehow, asking the ceiling to give him some explanation to what he's feelings right now.

He tried to catch his sleep now, ready to surrender his brain from this torture, ready to release his pain in his heart and seek for comfort of the dreams, even though he knew, when he woke up tomorrow, everything will be worse. Or maybe he just wanted to see his smile again. It's really like drugs. You know it's wrong, you know when the effects fade out, the high feeling you feel is fading out as well. And the pain will come aftermath. The pain that is asking you to injecting the damn thing into your body again.

Again, and again.

But, today, weirdly, The Sleep was running away, getting farther from his eyes and active brain. He tried to close his eyes, but found out after few minutes that Sleep didn't want to embrace him in its arms. He sat up, pinching his nose's bridge, wondering what kind of disaster would appear tomorrow, like this night, he couldn't even sleep after seeing the smile. What kind of disturbance he will have tomorrow?

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Few days passed by, nothing too big happened lately, just... lack of sleep and mess in the jobs he handled. Or simply said, every thing he touched seemed to fall into ruined in some way. He tried to push the images aside so at least he could concentrate, but nooo... of course torture could never be so forgiving. Whatever God he prayed seems so far away, unreachable to help him.

And his friends? He wouldn't tell them. Not because he's too great or else, but, he didn't want them to know about what he felt inside. He had to know it first before people started to tell him to do this and that. He had to dig it all alone so that he could understand everything that caused chaos in his mind and soul.

He had to pile it and categorized it by himself. He will wait and find a perfect time to tell his best friends. But not now. Definitely not now. Because he needed no intervention. Just for this one. He needed no other distraction and with distraction, it will lead only to another disaster.

Yes, this time, alone means heaven. At least a place for him to sort things out.

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He met that person again in another few weeks during the Big Bash Birthday Party of the governor's child on that district. He seems like another business-man too, just like himself. He's the only person he wants to see, but at the same, he's the only person he doesn't want to see. It seems The Fate is being so mean to him. Yes there's no doubt about it.

They're still so unbelievably beautiful, those eyes. Still made his breath hitch, and dried his throat instantly.

They still made him unconsciously memorize them deep within his brain and mind at the same time.

He tried to be subtle when he stares at him. He just stood at the back side of the room but, somehow, he keeps the vision of the person in his peripheral view. He kept seeing how his movements are so fluid like water, and he let the moment of the guy seeing him memorize itself again in his vision.

Well, he's already decided that he will take the time to try at least talk to him. But every time he gathers his mind and tries to take a step, there's just something that makes his steps falter.

He's still so stunning in the crowd, still attracting attention from others. He knew that he might be not the only person wants to know him better, but...

He needs to clear his mind for a while now. He can't think clearly in the same room with that distracting man, so he needs to go for a while, and perhaps, if his mind's clear enough, he could try to go back to this place and talk with him and also maintain his dignity in such efforts.

Taking one last glance to that man, and focusing his vision on a few details on his face, he retreated his place back to the balcony behind him. He just had to slip through the see-through curtain and open the full-body length window and step out.

Feeling the cool breeze of the zephyr slowly flowing through his face and body, he allowed his tense body to relax a bit.

He lifted his head slightly and breathed deeply. He holds it for a while before letting it go slowly. He did it few times and felt the renewed oxygen pumped through his body, letting all sections of his body refresh and cool down. He walked a few steps more and putting his hands on the stone-railings as he looked down from second floor to the garden below him. Looking at the green things somehow helped his brain to work more finely. He did not have to force his brain to do harsh and rushed things.

Smiling softly to himself, he continued to stare at the plants and feeling the cooling air around him.

'Finally, a calm and quiet place...'

A sound could be heard behind him, and he took his own time to look at the person at his back. He really couldn't believe his eyes and his ears at that time he looked at that person.

It's him!!!

He, whose eyes haunted his dreams for nights...,

He, whose smile is never faltered in his mind even in his busiest time...,

And now, he's standing right there, right behind him, and making the other person stop his breathing and could only stare at him.

'It's a wonderful place, the garden... don't you think so?' he spoke again, and somehow, he had to catch his brain from some sticky goo to comprehend the words.

'It's too noisy inside.' he could finally say a line, even though it has nothing to do with the first line the person saying. That guy is just nodding his head, and closing his eyes to feel the smooth breeze over his face. His lips quirked slightly to a faint smile and he breathed deeply before releasing it with a small sigh.

Once again, he opened those wonderful eyes to him, and smiling a smile that makes his heart go faster. It seems standing outside has no effect at all, since his palms have started to sweat.

That guy extended his right palm, and before he could think, his own hand is extended too, and touching his hand, holding it in a firm grip and shake it well.

'Are you Ok? You seem a little bit pale?' that person asked him while slightly tilting his head.

Is he okay?

Is he? Yes he is... of course he is.

He nodding, and slowly gave him a small smile as well.

'Ah, good then. I'm Uzumaki Naruto, by the way.' he introduced himself and shook his hand rather hard. He smiled that wonderful smile again, and before my eyes, those brilliant eyes shone so brightly.

Yes... I know now, I'm Okay...

I'm Okay.

OWARI

1. '...dreams may also allow the repressed parts of the mind to be satisfied through fantasy while keeping the conscious mind from thoughts that would suddenly cause one to awaken from shock...'

2. '..one will not realize one is dreaming (classic example is a child dreaming that they're using the toilet and end up wetting the bed because they don't realize that they are in a dream)...' source: I'm done with this kinda weird story... hopes to know your thoughts... critics and comments, along with suggestion will be welcomed with opened hands...

And now, now I'm going to give you a song (just for intermezzo)... Well, I'm just writing the lyrics (hehehehehe). This isn't my song, and I know it's kinda old-time songs, but oh, I love it so much. It's the song who drowned my mood to the point of desperate, but I still love it. Can't get enough of it...

_**Crucify My Love – X Japan**_

_Crucify my love_

_ If my love is blind_

_Crucify my love, If it sets me free_

_Never know Never trust, That love should see a color _

_Crucify my love, if it should be that way_

_# Swing the heartache, Feel it inside out_

_When the wind cries, I'll say good-by_

_Tried to learn tried to find, To reach out for eternity_

_Where's the answer, Is this forever_

_Like a river flowing to the sea, You'll be miles away and I will know_

_I know I can deal with the pain, No reason to cry_

_Crucify my love_

_ repeat_

_Til the loneliness shadows the sky, I'll be sailing down and I will know_

_I know I can clear clouds away, Oh is it a crime to love_

_# repeat, repeat_

There... you don't have to pay attention to these lyrics, I'm just wanna put it, somehow, it's really hard.

Hugs, Loves, and Cookies

Fujii-Kun


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